Blasphemers

[Night. Denny's. Three 19 year olds in a booth, table covered in coffee cups and clutter. Jack and John go to State U. Donny goes to community college.]

Jack: You know what I was thinkin' about?

John: Seals?

Jack: Bark bark.

Donny: You were thinking about dogs?

Jack: No Donny, seals bark too.

Donny: Seals bark?

John: What were you thinking about?

Jack: Moses.

John: What about him?

Jack: I was thinking about the middle east and all that bullshit and I was thinking about the Red Sea, and how like Moses parted it. That mutherfucker parted the Red Sea. Like, do you have any conception of how large a task that is? I mean, it's one thing to see him do it in cartoons, but to have parted the Red Sea, like that's some mutherfuckin' talent.

John: He didn't part the red sea.

Jack: He did fuckin' too. It's in Exodus. Imagine that shit, imagine how much fucking water that. I mean, when they show it in cartoons you don't get a real sense of that, but like, the Red Sea is some shit.

John: He didn't do it. God did. Moses pleaded with God to do it. Moses was yet another catalyst for the power of god, a channel a vessel, a puppet. Call it like you see it.

Jack: What? No. Without Moses that sea stays still and the Jews die on the sharp swords of Pharaoh’s soldiers.

John: Dude, you're naive. Without Moses god picks Aaron, without Aaron he picks Jacob, without Jacob he picks someone else. It didn't matter that it was Moses, he just happened to fit.

Donny: Guys, did you know Cohens are all descendents of Aaron's tribe? That's like, the highest tribe.

John: What?

Donny: Yeah, Cohens, they're like, the highest tribe of Israelites. They're like descended from the first high priest: Aaron. It's true. I heard it on Discovery.

Jack: Man, shut the fuck up. Look, just because biblical scholars, the humble and god fearing authors of the old testament attribute Moses success to the power of God doesn't mean that it was God upon the water.

John: It's their story, shouldn't we buy their explanation?

Jack: Fuck no. You're confusing myth and history,

John: All history is myth, man, it all depends on the teller. He who wins the war-

Jack: Writes the history. Yeah yeah we know, but look you're proving my point. Just because they say it happened that way doesn't mean that it did. Just because the Jews say it was god, just because they believed it was god doesn't mean it was.

John: Whatever. What's your point?

Jack: Well, I mean look. It's pretty clear one way or another that Moses was a powerful dude. Seein' shit on mountains and gathering the people of Israel together. There was something charismatic about the man.

John: Despite his stutter and temper.

Jack: Yeah, despite that shit.

Donny: Moses had a stutter?

Jack and John together: Shut the fuck up Donny.

John: So what's your point?

Jack: Ok, here it is. Moses grows up in the Palace, rich as fuck and then suddenly has this change of heart for his people.

John: Ok, yeah, but there's a lot missing from those formative years.

Jack: That's my point. We don't know what went on. But you can bet he was kind of dependent on his family, having grown up rich, right? Then he kills this Egyptian beating on a Hebrew.

John: An act of teenage rebellion?

Jack: Probably accidental, but severe enough to have him run. So he goes away and grows up. Gains his independence. Fares for himself. Becomes a man. So then he has this shit happen to him on a mountain...

John: God speaks to him.

Jack: See, I'm not so sure. I'm trying to get away from the whole God thing. Pretend with me that there is no god for a moment.

Donny: Dude, you're blaspheming. We're gonna be struck the fuck down.

Jack: Shut up Donny.

John: So then what's the mountain all about.

Jack: Well, maybe it's metaphorical. Moshe goes-

Donny: Who?

John: It's the Hebrew name for Moses. You're like a child wandering into a conversation Donny.

Jack: So Moshe-

Donny: Moses right? I got that shit now.

Jack: Dude, shut up. He flees to the desert, but maybe the whole mountain thing is just a metaphor. Maybe it's just symbolic of his sudden self worth or new understanding. I mean, it's not as though anybody followed him out there. It's not a documentary. I mean we've already seen his rebellious pro-Hebrew slant reveal its temerity as a teenager, so it's not strange that he comes back for more as a grown man now able to deal more readily with Pharaoh and his implications.

John: Yeah, alright, true. So then, what are you saying, that Moses was some kind of magician?

Jack: No. Not like that. I'm not making Moses Merlin. I mean, it's not as though any of this even really happened. There's no objective historical account, or even collaborating historical account. But lets pretend for a second that it did.

John: Kay...

Jack: I guess I kinda see it like this. You have this oppressed people groaning under the burden of Pharaoh’s lash. Moses comes along for one reason or another. But there's all this pent up psychic energy from generations of oppression building up. This power emanating from their discontent and then finding a channel in Moses. Maybe he was able to tap into that, maybe he was the physical face of all that mental anguish.

John: The red sea then is kinda appropriate, a visual metaphor or a literalization-

Donny: Dude, is that even a word?

John: Fuck you. A literalization of everything that he was doing with that power: channeling it for freedom, thus the metaphors subtly reveal the truth of the story, despite the contradictory facts.

Jack: Yeah. So I dunno. It's just like if it's mythical anyway, why not play with it? Make it into whatever we want, you know?

Donny: Dude, won't the Jews be mad at you for that?

John: Donny, did you know the Jews are mythical? The Americans invented them in 1942 to make it look like their invasion of Germany was justified. Don't you think it's strange that we were fighting Japan then all of the sudden we switched to Germany? That holocaust shit was just to make them look bad, then we flipped it up so we could get into the middle east, cause we knew oil was gonna be some important shit.

Donny: Seriously?

Jack: Yeah dude. Look it up. Hella conspiracy shit.

Donny: Fuck. I didn't know any of that. You mean the whole bible is made up.

John: Not the new testament. That's real, but the old testament was written in the early 1940's by a group of linguists in New Haven Connecticut. They invented a language and called it Hebrew. Rumor has it that Tolkien was briefly involved.

Donny: Who's Tolkien?

Jack: Shut the fuck up Donny.