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:iconepimetheus: More from epimetheus




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April 25, 2003
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Moments During a Lunch Hour

Fat coffee pots steam
stuttering amongst themselves
like contented hens

gap toothed glass racks
smile back when pulled, losing teeth
one drink at a time

the receipt printer
chitters like nervous mice when
someone\'s about to leave
These ended up being almost naturally haiku. The first stanza was accidentally perfect, the second two were imperfectly modified. I am the bitter king of comparison, as well as cats and sex.
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:icontornaura:
This makes me want to write better poetry.
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:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Nov 14, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
That's one of the best compliments I've ever recieved on DA. Thank you for the compliment and the watch. They are both appreciated.

Adam
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:iconfallingsilver:
It would be cool if you had another haiku that bound all of the others together as a conclusive stanza. Other that that, these haikus have nothing to do with nature, but they're well written and give a distinct feel anyways :D (Big Grin)
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:iconterov:
Not the biggest fan of multi-stanza haiku. Seems contradictory to the nature of the form.

That being said, I shall think of this not as haiku, but as something standing well on its own three feet :-) (Smile)
Outstanding imagery, and though I sense something beneath the surface I can't seem to unearth it effectively.

Sense of loss. Compromise maybe.

Good.
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:iconpantopicon:
Damn, I love the use of complex similies as boundaries for the contained middle stanza, which seems to push and pull imagistically against them. Fantastic piece --> the everyday filtered through a kind of surreally personified onomatopeia. hee. This made me smile, ecstatically.
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:icongyroscope:
you'll write a poem about a violin while the world dies of sars.

yes, those ARE moments from a lunch hour. good thing you were able to sneak in a bit about royally satisfied hens. kudos.
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:iconwanderingjizo:
Dude, this is great. The relation of coffee pots to hens... priceless. You make a simple breakroom or cafeteria seem like a barnyard or womthing. Great stuff.
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:icontmpst24myst:
tmpst24myst Apr 25, 2003  Student Writer
I have to agree with ~justaphase..This would work better without the word 'like'.

Rose
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:iconjustaphase:
a great twist on the haiku form. i think the short spurts of images do well with the subject matter. My only question is the use of the word "like". Even with limited syllables, i think one or both could be made richer using a different word.
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