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Submitted on
November 16, 2003
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The Invisible and Concrete

He walks away
burning mouth full of blood
staining the sidewalk with scarlet stars
every time he spits

He listens to the grass
invisible mouths wide in worship
adoration of the simple for the necessary
glassy songs infinite and empty

He stares up into heaven
every blind eye some desperate star
a tired sky full of bodies burning
waiting to expire
11.16.03

Changes made from the original. Tenses shifted in the first two
stanzas on the suggestion of ~ fauxgravity, line removed from
the third stanza as per ~terov's suggestion, and repetition of the
word sky removed from the third stanza as per my own dissatisfaction.

Original my still be seen on
strangejournal
here.
.

~digitalcrayons
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:iconmisaniovent:
Misaniovent Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2004
Great story, far too common. Nothing about this poem is overly confusing...it all fits together well, and its like a movie made up of words.

I can see it all in my head.

Excellent job...
Reply
:iconbuonarroti:
Buonarroti Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2003
Nice. I write poetry, but I don't have any posted here at DA. I like this, though. :yoda:
Reply
:iconmrmcpheezy:
mrmcpheezy Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2003   Writer
He walks away? From what?
The grass...a mouth wide in worship? What?
What is simple, what is necessary?
Where do these glassy songs come in and what do they have to do with anything?
"every blind eye some desperate star". I don't get that line.

"burning mouth full of blood
staining the sidewalk with scarlet stars
every time he spits".
I love that.

Although I liked reading this poem, I was thouroughly confused by it. There wasn't enough information and some of the images were too vague. I don't know. It seemed like it was trying to be a narrative, but I had no idea what the hell was going on.
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:iconfauxgravity:
fauxgravity Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2003
much better with the tense consistency. still think one of those 'burning's should be replaced but it's your poem and it's still great. further comments aren't really needed, so here's that smile you were talking about.... (:
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:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
Must admit I liked
"a tired sky full of burning bodies"
better though. Not sure why.
Reply
:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
:: thumbsup! ::

I like the last stanza enormously. Read at the right pace it has a great rhythmic emphasis. Not a rhyme or off-rhyme, but it's close enough for the impact.

Overall a satisfying, complete idea.
Reply
:iconundesireable:
undesireable Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
Great visuals, provides a vehement setting towards the reality of the 'life' left to be 'lived'. rather nice work.

:thumbsup:
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:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
Thanks man. Glad you liked it.

A.
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:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
(Sorry if this is a double-post. I hit the submit button accidentally before it was ready.)

I would actually like to see revisions on a different note to up the verb content.

"burning mouth full of blood" to me is intensified as "mouth burning full of blood"
"invisible mouths open in worship" as " invisible mouths moving/trembling in worship" (something along those lines).
To me the dual meaning (verb/adjective) of "open" muddies the visual.

And the last stanza could lose
"died long before he was born"
without really discarding meaning and regain consistent length with the rest of the poem.
Reply
:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
Changes have been made. Check it out and see what you think.

Adam
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