Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


The Invisible and Concrete

He walks away
burning mouth full of blood
staining the sidewalk with scarlet stars
every time he spits

He listens to the grass
invisible mouths wide in worship
adoration of the simple for the necessary
glassy songs infinite and empty

He stares up into heaven
every blind eye some desperate star
a tired sky full of bodies burning
waiting to expire
11.16.03

Changes made from the original. Tenses shifted in the first two
stanzas on the suggestion of ~ fauxgravity, line removed from
the third stanza as per ~terov's suggestion, and repetition of the
word sky removed from the third stanza as per my own dissatisfaction.

Original my still be seen on
strangejournal
here.
.

~digitalcrayons
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmisaniovent:
Misaniovent Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2004
Great story, far too common. Nothing about this poem is overly confusing...it all fits together well, and its like a movie made up of words.

I can see it all in my head.

Excellent job...
Reply
:iconbuonarroti:
Buonarroti Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2003
Nice. I write poetry, but I don't have any posted here at DA. I like this, though. :yoda:
Reply
:iconmrmcpheezy:
mrmcpheezy Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2003   Writer
He walks away? From what?
The grass...a mouth wide in worship? What?
What is simple, what is necessary?
Where do these glassy songs come in and what do they have to do with anything?
"every blind eye some desperate star". I don't get that line.

"burning mouth full of blood
staining the sidewalk with scarlet stars
every time he spits".
I love that.

Although I liked reading this poem, I was thouroughly confused by it. There wasn't enough information and some of the images were too vague. I don't know. It seemed like it was trying to be a narrative, but I had no idea what the hell was going on.
Reply
:iconfauxgravity:
fauxgravity Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2003
much better with the tense consistency. still think one of those 'burning's should be replaced but it's your poem and it's still great. further comments aren't really needed, so here's that smile you were talking about.... (:
Reply
:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
Must admit I liked
"a tired sky full of burning bodies"
better though. Not sure why.
Reply
:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
:: thumbsup! ::

I like the last stanza enormously. Read at the right pace it has a great rhythmic emphasis. Not a rhyme or off-rhyme, but it's close enough for the impact.

Overall a satisfying, complete idea.
Reply
:iconundesireable:
undesireable Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
Great visuals, provides a vehement setting towards the reality of the 'life' left to be 'lived'. rather nice work.

:thumbsup:
Reply
:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
Thanks man. Glad you liked it.

A.
Reply
:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
(Sorry if this is a double-post. I hit the submit button accidentally before it was ready.)

I would actually like to see revisions on a different note to up the verb content.

"burning mouth full of blood" to me is intensified as "mouth burning full of blood"
"invisible mouths open in worship" as " invisible mouths moving/trembling in worship" (something along those lines).
To me the dual meaning (verb/adjective) of "open" muddies the visual.

And the last stanza could lose
"died long before he was born"
without really discarding meaning and regain consistent length with the rest of the poem.
Reply
:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
Changes have been made. Check it out and see what you think.

Adam
Reply
:iconterov:
terov Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
I would actually like to see revisions on a different note to up the verb content.

"burning mouth full of blood" to me is intensified as "mouth burning full of blood"
Reply
:iconfauxgravity:
fauxgravity Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
should the last stanza be in the past tense? i could see how you would argue a progression of time, and therefore we're walking with the narrator in observing this 'he'. if not, i'd like to offer some suggestions.

first stanza: change 'staining' to 'stained'. it works both ways but sounds better in the less pro-active style of the latter. and therefore, 'spit' to 'spat'.

third stanza: change 'stares' to 'stared' just to provide a little regularity and through-flow. i could easily be swayed to the view that this changing of tense allows for the almost open-ended 'finale' of the poem. in that we are waiting for the expiration, both of the bodies and allegorically of the journey of the invisible.

oh, and just a brief note on the fact that you've used 'burning' twice in a relatively short poem. now, must pee. lovely poem. i adored it.
Reply
:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
I am glad you adored it. Changes have been made in reverse of your suggestion, bringing everything into the present tense since I think it pinches a bit more that way. Further comments are welcome, but if your satisfaction is just a smile then that's more beautiful anyway.

A.
Reply
:icongyroscope:
gyroscope Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003
He knows they'll wait forever
a million years none too soon
dreaming of apples and cider
a broken wooden spoon

He follows his heart to darkness
leading the way back home
where night remains in silence
a battered lawn gnome

He opens the door
inside the light is already on
the ghosts of the stars have arrived
their bodies finally gone
it's just the way things are
Reply
:iconepimetheus:
epimetheus Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2003  Professional Interface Designer
I like everything except the battered lawn gnome. It doesn't come across as poignant enough. But I do appreciate the poem. It's the best kind of response to recieve.

A.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconepimetheus: More from epimetheus


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
November 16, 2003
File Size
584 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
154
Favourites
0
Comments
15
×