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April 22, 2003
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The Translucence of Motion

There is an ash haired angel
laying pallid and pale
naked and bruised
in straight sheets
with stiff corners
to cut an unwary tongue

The room is full of
the sound of sheets
against his skin
rustling paper in a dry summer wind

He is rolling over on the morning
closing his eyes to the sun
resting beneath the white
dreaming

Thicknesses and layers
measured breath and multiple meanings
behind the words she speaks
Dreaming
sharp eyed smiles
and the charred thrill of climbing thighs
and beating hearts

In the bed his body bends
without premeditation or permission
He cuts himself a thousand times
on the sharpness of his sheets
tracing the translucence
of his motion
I'm tired of being lonely, and I'm tired of being cliche. Can someone help me?
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:iconsquanderdalfast:
squanderdalfast Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2003
I have nothing to say really. But I want to argue with the above person on the first stanza.

I have no problam with,

"There is an ash haired angel
laying pallid and pale"

and that may make you want to follow [link] 's advice.

but I don't find there is an ash haired angel hard to say at all. and ashen hair is diffrent than ashan all around. pallid pale angel is kind of redundent. but if you just said ashan angel I would think it's light black grey all over. I don't know what colar I'd make its hair.

and you focus on skin and sheets. I wonder if you could focus on something else, something that conveys he same sort of thing but isn't as common. I got no help for you there but it's a thought.

besides cuts and brused it doesn't seem all that bad. doesn't seem all that sad.

I like the picture you made

as always hope i said something moderatly helpfull. keep writing and posting.
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:icononywnorbo:
onywnorbo Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2003
I'm going to be bossy now, because I'm a bossy editor when I really try to edit. Fill my sentences up with "pleases" and "in-my-humble-opinions" and all the trivial civility in between, if you like. Or maybe this is just one more endearing idiosyncrasy that you're willing and able to forgive and look past. =o) Either way:

The first line is too hard to say. I'd prefer reading something along the lines of "There is an ashen angel". This sort of takes care of the next line, which is cliché in the words used to convey the image (skin is always “pallid and pale”). Because the angel is now ashen, you can focus on the contrast of bruises (the bottling up of the blood and pain that the angel is feeling) against that pale skin, which I think would be a much more interesting image.

Your line breaks are mostly predictable here, I think. It's important to do more than just "take a breath, make a new line", which is what a lot of this seems to be doing. It's a choppy piece, and while the content itself is hard and with sharp edges, I want this to have a more liquid rhythm; to move with melancholy rather than drop with heaviness.

I don't like the second stanza. The sheets should be much more violent than you're making them; I want them to be just as sharp and harsh as the initial emotion and image of the poem. I'd rather they were associated with something like broken shards of glass than rustling paper. I think the sheets image in itself is incredibly interesting and not one I'm used to seeing. I like the idea of the angel's sleep being this painful, and I think you need to do a better job of developing this in the poem; it's too passive an image as is.

The third stanza is absolutely beautiful. It flows well; it conveys this sadness with a simplicity that I admire. Great work.

"Thicknesses" is not a word. Besides that little semantic bother, it's a clunky sound. I'd rather you say something like "Depths and layers / measured breath and multiple meanings". Not only is it smoother, you now have "depths" and "breath" playing off each other, which I think is nice.

You've got a wonderful idea here. You've captured the feeling of this weary pain and drained sadness really well. As I've said, the image of the angel and sharp sheets is beautiful and harsh. I love the idea; I just think you need to spend some more time on revision and all that. "Well done" (to steal yet another thing from you) =o) I'll see you soon.

Bronwyn
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:iconmariamaria:
mariamaria Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003   Writer
To be perfectly honest, this is the first of your poems that I've actually liked.
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:iconspinning-plates:
spinning-plates Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003   Writer
you are anything but cliche, my friend.

your poems drip with emotion seldom found in other poetry i read.
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:icongyroscope:
gyroscope Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003
there is a genuine sadness in this poem, something that gives it a very beautiful quality.
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:iconoldmajor999:
oldmajor999 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003
Nothing wrong here....
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:iconfauxgravity:
fauxgravity Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003

aren't we all? no complaints. ethereal imagery, subtly done.
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:iconcoldandgrey:
coldandgrey Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2003
This is a gorgeous poem.

The stanzas are well organized, and the flow works very well.
I would work on extending the length of your descriptions... the imagery packs a lot of punch, and you should expand on those concepts.

+favlove
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